At Random
NFL Predictions
My deepest apologies to the hippies, hipsters, vagrants, flagrants, and few remaining tech billionaires of San Francisco for giving their Niners the 2024 Leuthold Kiss of Death.
ATTENTION MEN IN THEIR 40’s AND 50’s
Hi, I’m record producer Jimmy Valentine. Yes, the Jimmy Valentine. And I’m going to make you a star!
2024 All-Name Team
I do not envy coaching staffs or athletic directors. This transfer window baloney for both players and teams is getting out of hand.
Jim Harbaugh Kicks Off The Season
On performance: “I truly believe the No. 1 natural steroid is sleep and the No. 2 natural steroid is milk, whole milk, and three would be water. Four would be steak. I take a vitamin every day—it’s called a steak.”
Fishing Down East
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor, Maine, man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers.
The Older Couple
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. They finally decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a long walk to talk about whether it would really work out.
The New Office
A young investment banker had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it very tastefully furnished. Sitting behind his new desk, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Paris Olympics
The past two weeks—full of pageantry and drama—have just been an amuse-bouche for the climax of these games on August 9th-10th.
Attention Dads!
Tubing season is still here! Make use of the one avenue you have to punish your kids!
I Try To Write An “Onion” Article
Ben Thompson’s complete survey of the toilets in all the men’s lavatories in Concourse E between gates 16-18 paid off in a big way for the savvy traveler.
Greg Maddux Takes Us Into August
On Trusting His Stuff: “No need to steal the sign. I’ll tell you what I’m throwing. It’s an 89 MPH sinker, and you won’t even swing at it.”
Middle-Aged Fantasy Hotline Theater
Thank you for calling the Middle-Aged Fantasy Hotline, one of our specially trained operators will be with you shortly.
The Great Outdoors
During a recent physical, a doctor asked his patient about his daily activity level.
Junior Firefighter
A fireman is washing the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door. She’s sitting in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the back.
Ole Gets Fixed
After having their 11th child, Ole and Lena decided their family was complete. Ole drove into town to see his doctor and explained that he was through siring children.
June Monsoon
While much of the East broiled to a perfect crispy brown, we started our magical Minnesota summer wetter than an otter’s pocket.
Another Bingo Board!
Soon-to-be first-time parents—they’re so darn cute.
Successful Marriage—From Bob Kargenian
A reporter at a ballgame asked an old guy who was sitting next to his wife, “What’s your secret to 50 years of a happy and successful marriage?”
Another One From Bob! What A Guy!
Two little boys are in a hospital waiting to be prepped for surgery.
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